How to Talk to Women

How To Talk To Women: a Guide

Hello, everyone. I know you are all eagerly awaiting Part II of my series about going to see 'How to be Single' and I assure you this is coming but first I wanted to touch on a subject that I felt would be helpful to all my single male friends; talking to women.

I would like to preface this article by warning you that I am incredible at talking to women and that if you are a woman you should not read this as you will probably find yourself extremely seduced by my acute knowledge and flowing vernacular abilities by the end of the article. I am sorry for this in advance.

This article will be broken down into steps to make it easier to demonstrate the process for you to follow. It is important to note that all women are different but basically the same, like the various incarnations of the Power Rangers, so no guide can be too specific. I will attempt to paint the process in broad strokes that will work with most women.

1) Don't talk about that rash on your genitals

A lot of men have difficultly beginning a conversation with a woman they do not know. Before you even start talking to a woman you will likely be asking yourself a lot of questions such as 'what should I say?', 'what should I avoid talking about?', and 'is this thrush or have I contracted a more serious venereal disease?'

Whilst most self-help books about talking to women will agree that subtly drawing attention to your genitals is a great way of sending subconscious signals to women that will cause them to consider not immediately calling for help when you walk over, there is a right way and a wrong way of doing this. For example:

Woman: 'Hello, how are you?'

You: 'I am in some discomfort due to the spreading rash on my genitals which now has some slight bubbling of the skin and looks not unlike a nettle sting on the shaft.'

Wrong! But don't worry, we've all been there. Immediately drawing attention to your genitals was absolutely the correct thing to do when speaking to a woman for the first time, however you need to draw this attention in a more positive way. Next time, try the below:

Woman: 'Hello, how are you?'

You: I am very well, thank you. My genitals are clean and disease free, and also fully operational in the event that our evening should culminate in coitus.'

Much better! You have subtly drawn her attention to your genitals in a positive way and now, no matter how the conversation progresses, in the back of her mind she will be constantly aware of your immaculately hygienic genitals. Good start!

2) Appropriate dancing - initiating contact on the dance floor

Night clubs are a great place to meet women because the low lighting and high levels of noise will go some way to disguising the desperate despair in your hollow, dead eyes and they will probably be unable to hear a lot of the awful things you will try and bellow into their ear.

Once you have selected a woman you are attracted to based on your shallow preconceived notions of female beauty that have been spoon fed to you by popular culture, it is time to approach. The first thing you need to be aware of is that you should definitely not go up to a woman and begin grinding on her. This is creepy and weird, even for you, and your unwanted attention will likely just lead to you being ejected from the night club for being an asshole. But if you can't just walk up to an attractive woman and start grinding on her, how exactly are you supposed to display your sexual interest?

The triangle of power, my friend.

Stand up with your feet shoulder width apart and your arms down by your side. Now bend your elbows so your arms are out 90 degrees in front of you and fingers are all straightened. Now rotate your wrists outwards by about 45 degrees and tilt your head down to look directly at your crotch. Now you are in position, swiftly and forcefully straighten your elbows so your hands move towards your crotch in a V shape, stopping just short of actually hitting yourself in the genitals. Repeat this move continuously whilst wearing an expression of grim determination on your face that lets people know you are serious about the seductive process.

Why is the triangle of power so potent? Because it draws attention to your genitals in a direct but non-threatening way. Unlike grinding on a woman, which admittedly will make them aware of your genitals, the triangle of power will make an attractive woman acutely aware of your genitals in a safe way and act as an invitation for further contact which she will most likely be unable to resist.

You can even combine this step with the step above by first introducing yourself and commenting on the immaculate state of your genitals and then immediately launching into the triangle of power to assist the woman in locating said genitals. The sky really is the limit here.

3) What next?

Congratulations! If you've been following these steps you are almost there! However, the process of seduction is not yet complete. Courting is a two way street and if you are going to engage in coitus you will need to have two sets of functioning genitals involved. At this point the woman you have decided to seduce will be acutely aware of your genitals, but she may be unaware of (or have completely forgotten about) her own. The final link in the chain is reminding the woman that she too has genitals and that you would like to engage in contact with them.

So how do you do this? The best way is to subtly drop female genitalia into the conversation without breaking the flow. There are many ways to do this, the most effective of which is when she asks you about your interests. But you can't just throw it out there or she will think you are an uncultured fool who will be as unstimulating in the bedroom as you are in verbal interplay. Let's look at another example:

Woman - 'What are your interests?'

You - 'Your genitals.'

No, no, no! What is wrong with you? Did you learn nothing from the rash thing? Women are coy, fey creatures who will not appreciate your sexist, misogynist fixation on them as objects of physical appeasement. Your heart may be in the right place but your penis isn't there yet. Try this instead:

Woman - 'What are your interests?'

You - 'Gynecology.'

Nice! Not only have you made her aware of her own genitals, you have also demonstrated your humanitarianism and altruism, as an interest in medical science shows how selfless and committed to the betterment of others you are. Great job! If you're worried about follow up questions on the subject I strongly recommend acquiring a copy of Dewhurst's Textbook of Obstetrics and Gynecology, an essential read if you want to convince women of your expertise in the field. You could even offer to perform an examination for her.

Great work! You have now seduced a woman and by this point in the guide you should be engaging in the ensuing coitus as you read this.

You're both welcome.