Scattered particles of dust swept around one another as they performed an intimate dance in the rays of morning sunlight that streamed in through the window, bathing the room in a golden glow. Yawning as he rose from his bed, Gaz craned his neck to look out of the window and smiled as he saw the beautiful dawn that seemed to personally greet him. Bald head gleaming, he glanced absent mindedly at the ceiling as he decided what to do with his day.
I know, he thought, I'll become the world's sexiest man.
Climbing from his bed, he made his way to the magic mirror on the wall in the hall.
'Hi dude,' he said to the mirror.
'Hi Gaz,' it replied.
Gaz gazed deep into his reflection and asked, 'Mirror, who is the sexiest man in the world?'
'You are, Gaz,' it replied.
'Aw, cheers mirror,' said Gaz with a smile.
'All the best, Gaz,' said the mirror, as Gaz walked down the hall into the kitchen.
There was a newspaper open on the table, a tabloid piece showing pictures of the latest celebrity styles. Gaz sat down to read. The centerpiece of the article was a picture of Leonado Dicaprio with a newly shaved head and a magnificent beard. The journalist had queried Dicaprio's new look in the article, and the reply read, 'I just, I want to be more like Gaz. Doesn't everyone?'
'Aw, cheers Leo,' said Gaz to the image in the paper. Gaz was pleased with the day so far, he felt he had already accomplished much of what he set out to do. Although the mirror was definitely a lad, he felt he needed a second opinion. He lifted himself out of the chair and knelt on the floor, hands pressed together at the palms as he prayed.
'God, how do I become the sexiest man in the world?' he asked the ceiling. A pure white light that utterly outshone the golden hue of the sun's rays blazed down from the ceiling.
'Gaz,' began a deep, thunderous yet gentle voice that he felt more than heard, 'you cannot become the sexiest man in the world...'
'Oh,' said Gaz, slightly disheartened.
'Because you already are!' finished the ethereal auditory projection of the almighty. Gaz smiled.
'You're also Batman,' added God, and Gaz looked down to see he was dressed in the batsuit.
'And a Jedi,' added the voice, and Gaz saw there was a lightsaber hung on his bat utility belt.
'And the King of Westeros,' God finished, and Gaz noticed a ring with a Stag engraving on his finger.
'Aw, cheers God,' said Gaz.
'All the best, Gaz' said God, and the brilliant white light faded as God returned to his palace on high.
What a lad, thought Gaz of God, as he went to sit on the hard, ridged surface of the sofa in the front room. As he struggled to get comfortable, Gaz wondered if it had been a mistake to commission a mansion and its contents made entirely of lego.
Tuesday 12 August 2014
Saturday 26 April 2014
6 Relatively Obscure Bands You Should Listen To
It saddens me when talented, hard working people don't get the recognition they deserve for the insane amount of time and energy they put into crafting their music. Here are six bands you should check out for their outstanding musicianship and pure artistic merit.
The Vincent Black Shadow: Female-fronted pop-rock with a lot of jazz influence. Have released two fantastic albums and a couple of decent EPs, and the singer is hot.
Schoolyard Heroes: Female-fronted horror punk with some strong old-school AFI and Misfits vibes. Wonderfully macabre lyrics, and the singer is hot.
VersaEmerge: From Paramore-esque Fuelled By Ramen shenanigans to the later electro-pop, this band is never short of catchy little melodies and big choruses. Also, the singer is hot.
The Birthday Massacre: You can't really go wrong with a bit of 80's pop mashed up with some light industrial metal and a hot singer.
Eyes Set To Kill: Harsh and clean vocals interplay nicely over some solid metalcore courtesy of a really hot singer/guitarist and her hot sister on the bass guitar.
The Academy Is...: Expertly crafted pop-punk meets a touch of post-hardcore fronted by a stunningly attractive female singer.
The Vincent Black Shadow: Female-fronted pop-rock with a lot of jazz influence. Have released two fantastic albums and a couple of decent EPs, and the singer is hot.
Schoolyard Heroes: Female-fronted horror punk with some strong old-school AFI and Misfits vibes. Wonderfully macabre lyrics, and the singer is hot.
VersaEmerge: From Paramore-esque Fuelled By Ramen shenanigans to the later electro-pop, this band is never short of catchy little melodies and big choruses. Also, the singer is hot.
The Birthday Massacre: You can't really go wrong with a bit of 80's pop mashed up with some light industrial metal and a hot singer.
Eyes Set To Kill: Harsh and clean vocals interplay nicely over some solid metalcore courtesy of a really hot singer/guitarist and her hot sister on the bass guitar.
The Academy Is...: Expertly crafted pop-punk meets a touch of post-hardcore fronted by a stunningly attractive female singer.
Blood: The Last Vampire
Synopsis: A teenage-looking girl who is actually a vampire from 1892 infiltrates the educational facilities of a US Army base in 1966 located in Japan in order to assassinate demons who look like young girls but are actually giant evil horse demon things who live off human blood and also there is a transvestite prostitute that is a demon too that grows wings and tries to escape on a plane or something which the heroine sort of kills then possibly revives it, it's kind of hard to tell because it ends abruptly and doesn't really get explained.
The good: The action sequences are stylish and visceral, the 3D effects are implemented subtly and the sound is top notch in creating a pervasive feeling of dread.
The bad: At 42 minutes long there is little in the way of chaff, but there is also no character development and no clear motivation or back-story is given for the protagonist or the villians.
Overall: 6/10
Synopsis: A teenage-looking girl who is actually a vampire from 1892 infiltrates the educational facilities of a US Army base in 1966 located in Japan in order to assassinate demons who look like young girls but are actually giant evil horse demon things who live off human blood and also there is a transvestite prostitute that is a demon too that grows wings and tries to escape on a plane or something which the heroine sort of kills then possibly revives it, it's kind of hard to tell because it ends abruptly and doesn't really get explained.
The good: The action sequences are stylish and visceral, the 3D effects are implemented subtly and the sound is top notch in creating a pervasive feeling of dread.
The bad: At 42 minutes long there is little in the way of chaff, but there is also no character development and no clear motivation or back-story is given for the protagonist or the villians.
Overall: 6/10
Sunday 20 April 2014
Afro Samurai: Resurrection
Afro Samurai: Resurrection
Trailer:
Synopsis: A lone samurai (voiced by Samuel L Jackson) living in sort-of feudal-but-also-highly-futuristic Japan is attacked by a lady with insurmountable breasts (voiced by Lucy Liu, who I had actually forgotten existed) who steals his father's corpse so she can grow a clone of said father and make the titular Afro battle his already-dead father to the death to take revenge on him for mutilating her now semi-undead cyborg brother which somehow also caused the rest of her family to become mutilated and part-cyborg. The stoic, determined Afro must go on a journey in which he murders the shit out of absolutely everyone for any/no reason whilst constantly conversing with his imaginary friend and piecing together the mystery of who is out to get him and why. This is accomplished largely by murdering the shit out of everyone some more.
The good: The animation is stunning and the fight scenes are wonderfully gory, Samuel L Jackson.
The bad: The plot is so convoluted that despite constant exposition I have no idea why anyone does anything in this film. Said convoluted exposition makes the run-time feel at least twice as long as it actually is.
Overall: 3/10
Trailer:
Synopsis: A lone samurai (voiced by Samuel L Jackson) living in sort-of feudal-but-also-highly-futuristic Japan is attacked by a lady with insurmountable breasts (voiced by Lucy Liu, who I had actually forgotten existed) who steals his father's corpse so she can grow a clone of said father and make the titular Afro battle his already-dead father to the death to take revenge on him for mutilating her now semi-undead cyborg brother which somehow also caused the rest of her family to become mutilated and part-cyborg. The stoic, determined Afro must go on a journey in which he murders the shit out of absolutely everyone for any/no reason whilst constantly conversing with his imaginary friend and piecing together the mystery of who is out to get him and why. This is accomplished largely by murdering the shit out of everyone some more.
The good: The animation is stunning and the fight scenes are wonderfully gory, Samuel L Jackson.
The bad: The plot is so convoluted that despite constant exposition I have no idea why anyone does anything in this film. Said convoluted exposition makes the run-time feel at least twice as long as it actually is.
Overall: 3/10
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